A month into socially distanced Ambridge. I have to start here with the devastating news that my parents, after 35 years of listening to the Archers, have thrown in the towel. This basically means that 2/3 of my viewers for these recaps have gone. Luckily I’ve still got my mum’s friend Sarah. My lost strong hold, although give it a few more weeks and perhaps I’ll be writing this to no one. I feel like a kid who loved football, had a parent with season tickets, and suddenly their dad decided to stop turning up. I still love the game, but it’s not quite the same when you don’t have anyone to dissect every last moment with. I’m hoping that when Philip gets his air time they’ll be lured back in. Thats right, I’m still harking on about Mr Moss, and I’m firmly shoving all my eggs in his basket. My wholesale priced, Josh Archer Bridgefresh eggs.
This week was not the exposure of Phil though. This week we had a quad of Helen, Lillian, Justin and Jakob. Weird crew. The whole week only had a couple of storylines, so I’m mixing them all up like a bowl of Grundy cider. Although unlike that it won’t knock your socks off, may give you a small headache though.
Lillian is not loving the whole Corona sitch. Justin has taken to cooking obsessively, and Lillian is packing on the pounds. She isn’t thrilled. Lillian and I are different people. If someone was cooking me decent meals for weeks on end I’d just gobble them up and join slimming world once the pandemic was over. Not our Lil though. She’s had too much duck breast and she’s over it. First world problems. Apparently Justin has taken to cooking because he doesn’t want to sit and watch box sets with Lillian. Frankly if Lillian was a team player at all she would just forgo the tele and get Justin to stop that way. But she wants her cake, and to eat it too. So she decides to get Justin into family tree research to distract him.
Justin feels Lillian is spending too much time online, she’s shopping up a storm and he’s not thrilled. Her latest purchase is a pair of matching Burgundy tracksuits for them to wear whilst quarantined. Yikes. The internet is a vast place, yet Ambridge seem to have people buying shell suits and green dolphin shaped coffee tables. Justin is upset that Lillian is going to make lunch, this should be the very least of his worries. She’s wearing the tracksuit, wants them to do a photoshoot together in them, and says its like walking around in a soft naan bread. Did I hear wrong? Seems very left field for Lillian to describe the internet outfit as cosy as wearing an Indian flat bread. Lillian makes cold cuts and salad to lunch and concocts a plan to force Justin into doing the daily tree, and leaving her alone, by telling him it’s that, or they go for a run in matching tracksuits. Justin thinks Lillian is drinking too much, I would have thought he was in the wrong, but the naan comment suggests she may being having one too many G and T’s.
Further on in the week and Lillian is still in the tracksuit, Justin has managed to start the family tree though. Because Lillian is ghastly she’s now upset that he’s so into it. Turns out his family research has lead him to a cousin called Justine. Lillian is convinced they’re goin to have some sort of lockdown online affair and keeps referring to her as “skinny Tinnie”. First off Lil, this is your husbands cousin, and this is Ambridge, not West Virginia. Secondly a hot second ago you were furious Justin wasn’t busy. Now he is helping Tinnie set up a cake business and its all secret affairs and angst at him being occupied. I hate you. I don’t care who knows it.
The Lillian Justin week ends with Lillian in bed, in a lace edged satin nightdress. She’s taken off the tracksuit to try and lure Justin back in. Sadly it’s completely fallen apart, and he’s downstairs, ironically in the tracksuit, playing virtual golf. Lillian wants to get her freak on, and laments even bothering to put on the nightie. She wants chocolate but can’t risk going downstairs and Justin seeing her. Is it just me, but if you want some loving’s attracting the attention of your mate seems to be step one. Lillian needs to log onto Susan’s Radio Borchester sex show for some tips.
Onto Kate and Jakob. Kate has been to the doctor and has been diagnosed with the start on menopause. We all saw this story coming a mile off. We know it’ll go nowhere exciting, but if I was writing the show it would definitely end up with Alice getting pregnant, Kate flying into a jealous rage, and kidnapping the baby. We’d then have Pip talking her off a ledge about how Kate has children already, and how she should focus on them instead of wanting more. A gal can dream.
Kate is nervous about telling Jakob. They’ve been doing yoga together over Skype and it’s getting them all hot and bothered. They miss each other. Kate worries Jakob won’t be into her now she can’t have kids with him. Luckily Jakob is the most emotionless man in the village, so he just takes the facts for the facts, processes them for 0.6 seconds, and moves on. He’s slightly worried about the menopausal mood swings, but reminds himself that Kate is already pretty mental unstable. Yikes, if that’s your cheer up, then this could end awfully.
Kate has been advised by both her aunts to go on HRT. She is aghast at the idea of pumping her body full of chemicals and is planning on going 100% holistic health menopause. She goes on for a while about how wonderful Jakob is, and how supportive etc etc. I mean he is, but I’d hazard a guess that it may be because he hates a deep conversation and just wants to stick to facts her. If you don’t believe me Kate pop onto the Archer’s website. Under dislikes they’ve even bothered to mention Jakobs aversion to anything deep and meaningful.
Kate has decided her niche is going to be menopausal yoga for women. She surmises that this will be a pretty good niche, and that no one else out there will be doing it. A quick google tells me there are 1,270,000 hits for menopause yoga. So this may not be quite the exciting yoga path she thinks it is, but she recites some bizarre mantras a couple of times and forges ahead. She starts her “next part of life’s pilgrimage” by hosting a yoga lass for post menopausal women. Lillian turns up and has been drinking. Kate feels its good for her numbers, but may not be the best for her image. Oh Kate, if accepting drunken aunts into your classes is a way to bolster numbers you’ve got a big problem. I wonder if Lillian was wearing the Burgundy tracksuit? We’ll never know, because next week we’ll have moved on completely to something and someone else. Oh Ambridge, I love you, but please please give me something exciting. Or maybe back to Helen. How far I’ve sunk. Until them friends, adieu.